Amelia

This is a sweet little photo shoot taken in Springfield Mo. at Fastnight park. I met Amelia and her parents and was instantly in love with the sweet little princess...

Was It Meant To Be?

I know I am not supposed to think this way but sometimes, not often, I question if I was really meant to be a mother, mom, mommy, etc... you get the picture.

My only daughter Kylie was not planned and I, to say the least, was not prepared for what was in store for me.

It all started when I was single and full of so much life not knowing where the next day would take me.

I was all about me.

Then there were two...Kylie Dianne Sanders was born October 21,1993. I was very apprehensive but would never admit it. It seemed more a responsibility than anything. There were people in my life that told me I couldn't make it with a child on my own saying that she would be called a bastard and that I should give her up for a better life....I didn't care because it was meant to be.

I look back at those people and say "HA!" really loud and keep on going. But were they right? I have deeply buried feelings that re-surface now and again reminding me that this really wasn't meant to be. Did I defy the stereotype and become a "supermom" with a "superkid" - answer in one word - No.

I second guess so many decisions I have made throughout her life. I question why sometimes her and I can create the best memories by simply riding in the car and singing at the top of our lungs or going over the day we both had at work and school. Those are the things that I remember most. I also question why I can't wrap my head around her growth. It sounds strange, I know, but I finally get to where I THINK I know her and then she goes and switches up on me and is someone I don't get or understand or even like. These are the times that I question my decision and wonder if it was really meant to be?

I find myself loving her more than life 99% of the time and everything I do is for her. She takes so much and doesn't realize it, how could she? She is 16 years old. I worry about EVERYTHING and most of all I worry about letting her down. It started all those years ago when I was told "You can't do it". I know it will never end but a little less would help so much. I feel bad admitting that but it is what it is...meant to be.

Broken Heart

At work one day I went outside to smoke and was standing by a woman that I did not know. Her and I struck up a conversation and It led to talking about our children as most conversations between mom's do. She told me about her four kids, two boys and two girls.... about cleaning the house, paying the bills, everyday life.
She mentioned that her son was joining the Army and we had alot to talk about since I am an "Army brat".
I ended up seeing her almost everyday when I took my smoke breaks, I learned that her name was Missy.
We talked alot about the Army and different choices that her son would have. We became friends talking about different Army posts, the PX, the Commisary, health benifits, experiences that I had been through living in the "Army" atmosphere.
Her son Clay went into the Army and basic training and was out before we knew it. She was so excited and gave updates almost every time I saw her. I felt like I was going through this experience with her.....
Clay had been dating his girlfriend for seven years. The relationship was so strong and sweet. His girlfriend Emilee is such a great and beautiful girl.
Clay found out that he would be stationed at Ft Bragg NC. I remember telling Missy that it was a clean beautiful area, what a great place to be. She was so proud and let me know that Clay and Emilee were to be married when he returned because he found out that he was set to go to Afghanistan. Emilee would then join him in North Carolina when he returned from Afghanistan. I remember thinking it was so romantic and sweet, I envied them.
The wedding took place and Clay left for the unknown. Seeing Missy after Clay left I realized that she was "on edge" at the very least. She was concerned that clay was sent on patrol without a weapon saying that the weapon shipment had been hijacked by the Taliban. During the days after that, everytime I saw her she looked more stressed but was hopeful as Clay had been issued a weapon finally. He called home on July 1rst saying that he had been hit by some shrapnal on his face but he was fine. She re-iterated to me that he was fine. I went on vacation for the July 4th holiday and relaxed by the lake watching fireworks and making memories with my friends on Table Rock Lake.
Wednesday, July 7th, I came back to work and it was like every other work day. I turned on my computer, logged on to my phone and started talking to my co-workers as I do every morning. One of them, Tyler Lee, said something about seeing some of the family members of "the soldier that died that was from Harrison Ar.", I immediatly felt sick and knew at that moment that it was Clay.....How could this happen?
These are some photos I took at his very tender, touching funeral today. I will never forget hugging Missy in the funeral home at the visitation. I told her that I was so sorry and we both broke down and hugged each other for what seemed to be a very long time. I am still in shock. Clay was in Afghanistan for 3 weeks and died on July 4th, 2010.

Dill & J

My first blog

I thought that maybe blogging would be a good outlet...I love to write but can't seem to find the time. Maybe just maybe I will keep this updated with what is in my mind. Creative random thoughts, photos and more.
Today is Sunday and a beautiful Sunday it is. It is smoldering hot outside but breezy. I have spent alot of time listening to the breeze in the trees today. My sister Susan has the best yard with alot of wonderful trees. This morning I sat and listened to the breeze in the leaves and the birds. It was a great, stress free environment.
I am going to be posting some of my favorite pictures taken by yours truly from past weddings that I have shot. There are usually about 500 pictures and 1-5 photos that I truly love. I will post these and other photos.